Friends and Family,
First of all, I would like to apologize for not keeping my word about blogging more often. I have been so busy here, and it has been hard to find time to put my thoughts out on paper. Also, some things have been going on in my heart and life that have been really hard to process in my own mind, and it has been a struggle for me to want to share that suffering with you all on paper. It’s time for me to become real and honest with where I am, and what God has been doing in my heart.
Without going into many details, this summer has brought immense pain and suffering. Before coming to Chicago, I questioned why God was calling me to summer mission. I knew that I would be able to be a light to the city, but that was about all I was expecting. Because God is sovereign and much greater than me, he had other plans. As I have been here, God has stripped my heart of many things, which feels like my heart is shattered in pieces on the floor. He’s revealed some really hard sin struggles in my life, shown me areas of mistrust, pride, arrogance, emotional unhealthiness, and many more things.
As God starting revealing these areas of sin in my life, I began making mental note of everything I needed to fix by the end of the summer. I needed to be in control of my emotions, become humble, love better, control my tongue, tell the truth more… people, the list goes on and on. I was walking around with a mental sticky note at the front of my mind, of everything I needed to fix in myself, otherwise I was never going to be able to be used by God. I believed there was too much crap, for lack of better words, in my life, to really be able to experience the fullness of God. Basically my mind was at: Get rid of sin = experience God.
One of my good friends Bridget, sat me down over coffee (something that’s very common here in Chi town), and asked me to tell her all the things I felt like I needed to “fix” by the end of the summer. She proceeded to write them on a piece of paper. I cried a lot, and she listened so graciously.
She looked me in the eyes, then flipped the paper over. She wrote, “Because Jesus has lived perfectly for me, I am ________, I can _________, I don’t have to __________.” She helped me realize that I was trying to fix my life by my own strength. I could never do all of those things perfectly by the end of my life, let alone the end of the summer.
Although God has revealed some really hard sin areas of my life, the burden is lifted off my shoulders. I don’t need to try to fix those things by my own strength. It will never even happen if I try. The only thing I need to do, is fix my eyes on him. He is my healer, my provider, gift giver, comforter, friend… people, the list goes on and on. When I look to him, He makes my paths straight, and I can follow, so that I may be able to glorify Him, because I know who He is more intimately.
He shares in my suffering. He meets me in my sadness, in my pain. He wants to enter in to teach me who He is, so I can glorify Him to the highest amount here on Earth, until I get to heaven where I will spend all of my days worshipping His name.
So here it is.
Because Jesus has lived perfectly for me, I am freed from condemnation. I can walk hand in hand with my shepherd, who leads me, corrects me, and protects me. I don’t have to be burdened by my sin, because Jesus has already paid it all, and is making me new each and every day through grace, a gift I do not deserve, but I will so gladly receive.
~ Psalm 23 ~
1 The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
4 Even though I walk
through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.
One of the songs I’ve had on repeat, is called “Yes I Will” by Vertical Worship. It’s been the anthem of my heart, even when I feel like I don’t have the strength to say these words. I would highly recommend listening.
http://https://open.spotify.com/track/1sF4VadVaVTvp9WTEy79JT?si=WfjSol2ATZmRuITC5sfzWA
More posts from Summer Mission:
Summer Mission Post 2: His Image