I (Tami) have decided that listening is one of my love languages. If I could, I would defiantly add it as a 6th prominent Love Language category to the 5 that Dr. Gary Chapman wrote about in his book, “The 5 Love Languages.” It means so much to me when someone takes the time to listen to me! I don’t just mean that they hear me talk or let me vent, but actively listen to me.
Not long ago Todd and I were talking through the daily details of an upcoming week. During our conversation he reluctantly informed me that he was expected to attend an evening meeting on Thursday evening of that week. Our Thursday evening schedule is always a bit cumbersome, but that particular Thursday was chalked full of activities well before Todd added the mandatory meeting to the list. I’ll try and explain… on that evening my older kids had several different places to be dropped off and picked up from. Three of the children were scheduled for piano lessons, but the real kicker was that two of them had functions before piano that they needed to be dropped off and picked up from. What made it even more challenging was that each of these functions had different start and end times. On top of this, the grade school where three of my children attend was hosting an open house and the kids were very excited about showing off their classroom and projects they had been working on this semester. With all of my older kids out and about, and Todd away at his meeting, I was left to strap in the 3 littlest children into their car seats and take them everywhere that our older 7 children needed to go. Ultimately, this meant that they would be traveling around in the van from 4:30 until 8:30 at night…eating dinner in their car seats and all! After sharing all of this with Todd in great detail he said – nothing.
In that moment, I was sure that he had missed most (if not all) of the details I had shared. I was certain that he had missed out on hearing and understanding how I felt about the way Thursday was going to go. I was deflated. I felt defeated even before we got to Thursday night. If he would have said words like, “Oh man, that is going to be a really rough night! Do you think I can help you brainstorm the travel pattern?” or had even said, “That’s going to be a lot of van-time! Would you like for me to come up with a few things the kids can do in the van to pass the time a little quicker?” Instead, I got silence. Now, in Todd’s defense, he has really grown in the area of actively listening and this was an off day for him. He later shared that he had a lot on his mind that day and just didn’t make it a priority to push the pause button on his mental hum so that he could engage in the issue I was presenting and understanding the feelings I had about it all.
Because we have so much going on in our family of 12 we have to communicate well and often. Listening is a vital part of all our relationships. When people don’t feel heard, they also do not feel respected and loved. To experience love and respect in our homes active listening must be a part of our daily lives with our spouse and our children. It should also be a tool we use outside of our home as we interact with extended family and friends as well.
A perspective I would promote is this; if someone takes the time to speak to you, then you ought to count it as an honor that you are a person they value, trust and want to speak with. Listen well, because if you fail to fully listen to them their trust in you (and the respect they have for you) will begin to diminish. Fully listening to someone involves active listening and there are at least three things you need to keep in mind if you want to be an active listener for others.
1. Make Eye Contact:
To be a good listener you must give a person eye contact. As my husband says, “Eyes are a window to the soul.” Looking someone in the eyes is a way of connecting heart to heart and even soul to soul. If we are not looking at the person who is speaking to us we will not effectively connect with them. Without eye contact there is a good chance we will miss out on truly hearing or understanding what they are saying. When they are talking to you, keep your focus. Do not look around the room and eliminate distractions. If you are watching a television turn it off or hit the pause button (most modern tv’s have this feature now). Do not keep scrolling your Facebook feed, instead put the phone down and focus. Try and clear your mind of all the buzz and then posture yourself toward the person as if they are the most important thing you have going on at that moment.
2. Lean in and listen.
I know it sounds like a no-brainier, but just lean forward and listen. There is no need to interject or interrupt with your own thoughts, feelings or ideas. Resist any desire to correct or give advise. If someone is sharing about a problem that needs a solution, be sure not to offer your ideas too quickly. Instead, listen to their entire story and then offer something like, “How can I help you?” or “Would you like my help to brainstorm ideas?” Also, don’t say things like “uh-hu” and “yup.” Those kind of lazy words just make you seem uninterested or bothered. Lazy words degrade a person and cause them to not want to share anymore of themselves with you. Active listeners offer more than lazy words and grunts, they use words and statements like: “I see your point” and “That makes sense.” Words like these let your loved one know you are staring to get what they are saying.
3. Do not remain silent.
Just as jumping in too quickly to share your own thoughts, ideas and advise can cause a person to feel unheard, remaining quiet can cause a person to feel uncared for. Quiet listening is important when a person is pouring their heart out to you. There comes a point just after they finish sharing, when you must break your silence. Remaining quiet (or quiet for too long) causes the person to feel like you don’t care or didn’t hear what they said. An active listener would summarize what was shared in a way that shows they have heard but they also take another step that demonstrates true listening by acknowledge the feelings that have been expressed. They might say, “I hear that Thursday is going to be a marathon evening and you are feeling overwhelmed.”
4. Talk to God about it.
One last, but important step to take is to pray for the person who shared their heart with you. I am not saying that every conversation needs to end in prayer together (although sometimes that would be appropriate). I am advocating that the listener should remember what was shared and lift the person and situation up to God in prayer after the conversation is over. Committing yourself to pray about something (especially to pray more than once) is a powerful thing. The most powerful thing will be the fact that God himself will be invited to demonstrate his power, love and grace in the life of that person and issues that are being faced. Another benefit of prayer is that it firmly plants a growing concern and desire to care for the person you are praying for. Praying for someone causes us to look for God’s answers and want to follow up with how things went or how things are developing. Actually asking follow up questions like “How are things going?” proves to the person all the more that you have listened to them well and that you deeply care. There wasn’t a lot that Todd really could have done to help out with the Thursday tour of Lafayette, however I would have been strengthened by his prayers and I would have greatly appreciated it if he would have asked, “How did it all go!”
What about you?
Do you know the difference between hearing and listening?
Do you feel that you listen well?
Would you say that you are good at being an active listener?
What are the biggest distractions that keep you from truly listening when people speak to you?
“Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry.”
~ James 1:19 ~