In January of 1999 we were busy establishing our first home. We just moved out of Tami’s parent’s house and into our newly built three-bedroom house just a few minutes away from church where Todd was pioneering a junior high student ministry. Our first daughter, Ashlin Grace was four months old when we moved in. We were happy to be establishing a home and begin our journey as parents. Todd spent most of his days writing talks, recruiting youth workers, picking out worship songs, inventing fun games and activities for junior high students.
One particular Friday we hosted an event for junior high girls at our home. The night was meant to be a fun filled “girly” event with activities like baking, nail painting and candle making. It was to be the kind of night that boys would never understand, therefore Todd only made an appearance here and there throughout the evening. For the most part he was happy to stay in a different room.
I (Todd) went in to the girl party a few times to get a soda or to just be funny and disruptive. I also went in to check on Tami because she had shared with me earlier in the day that she was having some pretty bad stomach pains. The girls were having a blast, however, I could tell each time I would check on Tami that she was feeling worse. She made it through the night of fun with the girls and sent everyone home with a smile but collapsed in bed right afterward.
The night was uncomfortable but the next day brought on another level of pain and problem as she began bleeding. By mid-to-late afternoon it was evident that something terrible was happening. I (Tami) placed a call to my doctor and he shared with us the disturbing news that I was likely miscarrying a pregnancy and that my body was going through a normal miscarriage process. His advice was for us to simply come in on Monday morning. I somehow made it through another painful night and because it was Sunday, I decided that Todd should go to church to do his ministry work. We asked my mother to come and stay with me.
I (Todd) returned from church to find that Tami was still in a lot of pain. We placed yet another call to her OB but he explained that it was not an easy process to miscarry a baby and this was all “normal” pain. Since there wasn’t anything more we could do, we decided that I should go back to church for the evening youth programming where I was set to lead worship.
Although I was leading the worship, concern for Tami was in the forefront of my mind. I finished the song set with a prayer and when I opened my eyes, one of my youth workers was there to tell me that Tami really needed me to come home. I called home but found that Tami was in too much pain to speak. Her mother answered with a shaky voice and she pleaded for me to come home to get Tami to the hospital. When I got home I found that Tami was barely able to walk. I helped her into the backseat of our car where she opted to lay down. We began what felt like an endless journey to the hospital. Tami moaned with every bump as I tried to get her there as quickly as possible. Thankfully the ER took us in without delay and begin assessing Tami. Unfortunately, not everyone in the ER that night took her seriously.
I (Tami) was in more pain than I had ever experienced. Five months prior, I had gone through a very painful child birth with Ashlin Grace. She had a shoulder distortion and labor with her was VERY painful. I was writhing in pain and could barely focus on what was happening around me but I clearly remember the nurse who said to me, “Hun it ain’t that bad!” I was appalled but in too much pain to punch her in the face much less reply. My mom quickly stepped in for me and said…”She has a very high pain tolerance, it IS that bad!”
They decided to conduct an ultrasound. The quick scan of my abdomen showed that it was full of blood. I could see that the ultrasound technician was concerned although he did not speak to me. Instead, he made a quick phone call and suddenly I was whisked away down a number of dark hallways. It seemed like the inner corridor’s they likely use when they move a corpse. I didn’t know where they were taking me but in the end the final set of doors led to a surgery room. In the mean time, the doctor came out to tell Todd what was going on.
I (Todd) didn’t even get to see Tami before they took her into surgery. He told me he would come out after he was done and she was in recovery. After about an hour the doctor came out after surgery and said with a tone of blame in his voice, “I don’t know why you waited so long to come in but it is good thing you did…or she would not have made it through the night.” He further explained that Tami had an ectopic pregnancy (otherwise known as a tubal pregnancy). I was sad, angry at the doctor, and in shock! This was the same doctor who told us over and over again that she was having a miscarriage and we needed to wait it out! That is why we waited so long!
Despite the level of trauma we were back home the next day. We were heartbroken at the loss of our baby and we had one more big reality to come to grips with. Because the ectopic pregnancy was so bad the doctor could not save my left fallopian tube. This meant a few things for me. I did not have a functioning left reproductive side and that our chances of having another baby were less than 50%. (Not all woman have two fully functioning ovaries and if they do they both may not function rightly all the time)
At our check-up appointment about a week later we learned even more bad news. We learned that ectopic pregancy was a potential side affect of the of the birth-control we had been using. At this same visit my doctor revealed that my blood hormone levels had not adjusted properly and I would have to go on intense hormonal therapy to try and get things back in balance. I was told that there would be no way I could get pregnant again if I didn’t do this therapy which was to last for three months. If things were not back to normal by the end of the three months, there was not anything else that I could do…I would be left with the reality of never conceiving again.
This experience began to shift our thinking. We no longer thought children were a right, rather we began to see them as the bible describes them, “gifts from God.” We started to question our use of birth control, especially knowing that all of this occurred as a side effect of it and the chances of it happening again were even greater if we continued to use it. Although we had not discussed how many children we wanted to have, we both knew we wanted the baby we had just lost. Despite the odds we were given, we were determined to not let this be the end. We had hope that God would still somehow allow us more children but instead of clarity about family planning we entered a fog of grief and questions.
This was the first of many impacting moments that gave shape to how our family came to be.
~ Jeremiah 29:11 ~